Monday, June 08, 2009

A Different Heart

Time passes. Things change.

Anna-mouse is nearly five. I am alone again. The Bim is around, constantly, but no longer with us.

Time passes. Things change.

Those few, casual lines of my Profile never fail to sting me now, ever so slightly, when I visit my own pages.

Madeleine McCann has a new face, it is almost unbearable to stare into that older photograph.

I can't come here to write in the same way that once I did, with the Bim safely ensconced downstairs, football and tea at the ready, and Anna-mouse slumbering next door.

I discover when I find myself here that I am not the person I was.

I am a person in recovery from a most turbulent near-decade.

Over now. Looking forward to the next.

So here is a story, and then Livvy's Life will have to undergo a transformation, because I can't hold on to what was anymore.

Be patient, all those who visit. You are dear to me: I am, as the Bim knew and tested again and again, loyal to the bone.

"Mummy can I tell you somethin'?" asks Anna-mouse.

I have found her whimpering to herself in her bed, ages after she should have been asleep.

I take her up in my arms, little thing, cradle her, feel our warmths merge.

We sit together on the bed, speaking softly, trying to unravel the sadness keeping her awake. The sadness her parents have caused.

"You see, Mummy," she grapples for words in a tired little voice, "I love

"I know you do, darling," I say, in my most soothing tone.

"I like Daddy," she corrects, as if she has discovered already the wonder that is loving and liking the same person. "He's my favourite friend."

"I know, darling, I know," I murmur.

"You see, Mummy," she tries again, at last finding the words for which she has been searching: "He held a laugh in my heart.... And when he moved out... my heart was different."

The light is penumbral blue. The air is thick and warm.

At first I'm too moved to speak. Then:

"Now you've made me cry!" I say.

She looks up at me in surprise; reaches up her hand to feel my cheek for tears. Finding them there seems to satisfy her, and I feel her body give a little in my arms. I know she will sleep now, and gently put her back to bed.

Downstairs, I cling to the armchair, trying not to make too much noise as I cry.

That was the wonder of it, the laugh held in my heart by the Bim.

And when he moved out, my heart was different, too.


rachel whetzel said...

And now, YOU'VE made ME cry!! ::sigh:: my heart hurts with you... keep mending. Both of you.

Debbie said...

Hugs to you, dear one, and gentle thoughts during these difficult days.

nuttycow said...

Hey Livvy - good to hear from you again.

It must be difficult for all of you at the moment. Fingers crossed it gets a little easier soon.

Take your time.

Stay at home dad said...

Beautiful, but unbearable... you're right, there is a time to move on, move ahead. I hope it goes well and would like to hear about it.


sue said...

Hi Livvy

Not been around the blogging circuit for some time. Thought I'd visit one or two of my old haunts so to speak and am truly saddened to read your last few entries.

I am so sorry for what's happened in your life and even in your sadness you are so eloquent with your words. I felt so emotional just reading about what Anna Mouse said. Children have such an innocent but intelligent way with words.

Sending you a great big hug x x

Livvy U. said...

What amazing comments, what support. Thankyou.
Livvy x

melly said...

Your last entry is one of the saddest I have read.You are so descriptive - I love it! From the last entry I think you are finding a way out.... Best of luck with it all x

Anonymous said...

Nice that you are posting again but sorry that things are so very difficult for you. Looking forward to seeing where your blog goes next. Will be thinking of you both.

molly said...

Wow. Moving words. I feel it.

And I honor you for embracing the changes. Wow.

karen said...

Dearest friend:
You will once again dance in the rain and feel the sun on your face and say,yes I am glad its a good day to be happy.
Anna mouse will always have both her mum and dad to wrap her with warm love.She will grow and laugh and forget the time when it was three in the family,because she is five and time transcends all and her memories will be filled with happy thoughts.I truly believe that you have awarm soul that will get through yhese difficult times and that you will find a new laugh in your heart.

Ritergal said...

Oh, wow. This post was the first one of your whole blog that I read, and its poignance simply stopped my heart. Bless you all as you heal.

Marianne said...

I am sending you so much love and empathy Livvy. I have been where you are and I know your pain in the very core of my being. I know too, that one day it will be in the past, but that the day is not today.

Be kind to yourself x

Debbie said...

Just thought I'd stop by to let you know I'm thinking of you...

Anonymous said...

Are you coming back? thinking of you and annamouse

The wife of bold said...

Oh that's made me cry, poor Anna mouse and you, she sounds adorable. As i'm a little late to this i hope things are looking up right now x

Joel said...

Life and your writing, painful yet beautiful. Thank you.