It is almost as though I have had to write, yesterday and today. It's as though if I don't channel the creative energy I have charging around in me I'll combust!
What happened? I keep asking myself. How, how did the shift occur? I hardly dare trust it, but certainly for some weeks now I have been waking without the constant, debilitating sense of failure and fear of the summer months. Instead I have a conscious determination to effect the changes I want to see for myself and Anna-mouse. These changes are much the same as they were a year ago, and six months ago, but somehow they appear to have become attainable, rather than desperate fantasies serving to re-inforce that awful subtext of gloom.
In the middle of August, really not that long ago, there was a day when I gave in: I arrived at the doctor's office, sat with my head in my hands, and wept. When I returned home I sat at my computer and did the best thing I could have done that day to keep myself sane. I wrote to a circle of closest friends and told them that I was not okay.
The robust, steady, loving and practical replies I received in response to my outpouring upheld me at that time when I could barely imagine a well and happy me. And it was the knowledge that I really wasn't alone, even though I so frequently felt it, that kept me walking out. Literally. A cleverer part of me decided that moving my anxiety was better than sitting with it, so every day I took myself to a local playing field and walked around it. Round and round. As many times as I could. Which wasn't many at first, because I was weak and my chest hurt and my body had forgotten that it is strong.
Somehow, I began to lift. After many long and moving discussions with friends about its pros and cons, I decided to put the packet of Prozac the doctor had prescribed me to the back of the cupboard and spent instead an extraordinary amount of money I didn't have on vitamins and minerals and herbs. I began the tortuous mental unpicking of what was left of the Bim and me, to free him for his new love, and free me to accept it.
A glorious person gave me some money. I bought some nights in a luxurious hotel, took hot bath after hot bath, and when I returned from that trip I knew that I could begin the previously unthinkable task of selling my house. It sold!
And here we are, four months, one house sale, one acting job, one school term, one near-perfect first date and one month of daily blogging later, in an entirely different place. I shouldn't be surprised - I mean, it was me who made the journey - but how did I get here? Yes, okay, the near-perfect first date has had much to do with my recent delight with life, because in just half a day the lovely youngish man reminded me that possibility comes in all shapes and guises, and that it comes to me, as well as to others. But now I know that the near-perfect first date might remain a near-perfect only date you might expect me to be diving, mightn't you?
But I'm not - and I don't know why! Inexplicable. Really, I wish I could name the thing which took me from that summer place and brought me here. I want to bottle it so that when the darkness comes again I can unstopper the bottle and take a swig. Or, more satisfyingly, give it to others to ease their pain.
I have a feeling that time has something to do with it. A sense of the trajectory of one's own life is a perspective almost impossible to have when young. Now that I am ending a decade I am struck with an urgency to act. I have a sense that if I don't act now, while I can, much could pass me by. I have discovered that it adds a piquancy to the smallest moment, thinking in this way.
While I live some more trying to figure all this out, I want to record that it is simply amazing, recent morning after recent morning, to wake with hope instead of dread.